Jack is 6

Jack turned 6 last week.  It is so hard to believe that it has already been 6 years since he came into this world.  And doesn't 6 just sound so old?  His birthday fell on the last day of school before summer break.  He had physical therapy that morning and then we stopped and brought cookies for him to bring to school.  When he got out of school we met some friends at the zoo.  And then it was home to wait for daddy and tear into his presents.  I think he had a great day.  I don't worry about him even a quarter as much as I used to.  He is funny and sweet and so smart.  It is hard to believe that there was a time not so far away that I worried about autism or other things.  He is still quirky and has anxiety over certain things.  And he still acts kooky sometimes when he is nervous or in uncomfortable situations.  But that is part of what makes him Jack and I think he is pretty awesome.  




Here is a little interview with my 6 year old:


What is your favorite color:  red


What is your favorite tv show: spongebob and scooby doo


What is your favorite food:  salami


(Jack's question)  What is your favorite opposite: up and down


 (Jack's question)  What is your favorite game:  Zoodles(internet website)

This was their favorite thing at the zoo. Jack and Charley with our good friends

Birthday boy

Finally present time, I love how Charley is just hovering.

Right before Charley took his fork and just dug in.

Love you, my sweet 6 year old boy!!








 

so many things we, we will title this one part 1

S

 

M ackenzie with my sister Brooke at her graduation in 96

Mackenzie, Jack, Charley and I graduation 2011

Mackenzie and I (sniff sniff)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

So we survived Mackenzie's graduation.  I had such a buildup of emotions that I am really glad that we are past the actual day.  I had really bad post-partum depression when Mackenzie was born and part of my depression was realizing how fast time goes.  For some reason when Mackenzie was born, the realization of how fast time goes was so apparent to me.  Maybe it is because you have this living breathing, growing right in front of your eyes thing.  You can't help but notice and I love the baby ness of her.  And somewhere in my brain I knew that if she was growing/aging that fast then  so was I.  And then all sorts of morbid thoughts.  But anyway, you get the picture.  While this was one of the most exciting and happy times of my life it was a terrifying one mentally and emotionally with my post-partum.  And one of the things I always cried about was how it was just going to seem like next week and she would be graduating from high school. 

Well, she did and we all survived and I am proud of the young lady she is.  She has strong morals and a strong sense of loyalty and she is a great daughter and big sister and friend to many.  The ceremony was lovely and tearful at the same time.  I had two little boys to help distract me from my own tears though.  Oh no, PANIC, what will I do when it is their turns.  I am going to have to go and not ponder that question right now.  With a box of kleenex. 

I love you Mackenzie, and I am very happy, lucky, and blessed to have you as my daughter.

random

Yeah, the sun is going to be back today after being MIA for the last two days.  Maybe I will be motivated to get things done today.  I really want to go to the Y this morning before Jack gets home from school but this little computer and the tv keep pulling me in.  Is anyone else out there as obsessed with Bravo as I am?  I am watching last night's Real Housewives of Orange County right now.  I know I probably lose brain cells after watching, but I LOVE all of those shows.


So, I don't think I have posted since March.  I have missed it so much and I have started (or thought about starting) a post so many times over the last couple of months but then I get to worked up about what to write.  I have so many favorite bloggers.  If you saw my google reader you would faint.  I never really have time to read any books anymore because I have so many great blogs to keep up with.  Then when I go to post something I am always comparing in head and putting myself down.  I might not ever have any readers here but the whole point of doing this was to have an outlet for me.  For my feelings and to help remember some of these wonderful but holy cow they fly by years.  So, I am just going to write and steal an idea from my mom.  She is keeping a thankful journal and everyday writing something that she is thankful for.  How great is that?  Some days, I swear all I do is focus on what didn't go right and so so so negative.  So maybe, doing something like that can actually change the way your all day goes?  I think so and I am going to give it a shot.

Today I am thankful that the sun has made a return.  Now here are some pictures because if you read all of that you deserve to see some cute kids at least.

Charley bug in Texas

Jack and his great grandma were singing the alphabet

Easter in Texas

nothing exciting

Spring feels like it is finally coming this week.  I want to open this house and air it out so badly but I think it is still a little too cold for that.  So I am just trying to clean today and I think we are going to go outside for our fresh air.  The sun is shining and that makes all the difference on a 50 degree kind of day.

I got the first part of a dental crown put in on Monday night and had a lot of pain so I went in yesterday and they took it off and smoothed some of the edges.  So much better today and I am happy that the solution was pretty easy and I don't need a root canal.  The funny part was Mackenzie happened to have her scheduled cleaning yesterday so I had both boys in the room with me.  You have never felt so helpless as having a nitro mask on your face and someone's hand drilling in your mouth with 2 little active boys in the room.  Luckily they had a couch in the room with a large tv and we found an episode of bubble guppies.  Thank goodness the boys were pretty good.  I couldn't really yell with my tongue and mouth all numb.

I was going to go out with friends for St. Patrick's day but that didn't happen.  Charley woke up Wednesday night at 3am with a really bad barky cough.  He basically didn't stop coughing until 6 and then him and I went back to sleep until almost 10am.  Thankfully, John was able to go in to work a little late and put Jack on the bus.  He didn't even dress him too weird :)  I think the weather change was making Charley have a little bit of irritated airway.  (he doesn't officially have asthma) and he barked on and off all day.  I called his office to get a prescription for a spacer for his inhaler and they told me they thought he might need a dose of oral steroids.  Of course there were no appointments left in the office so we had to go to our office's after hour appointment clinic at 7.  They open at 7 so I got there at 7:02 and there were already 5 people ahead of us.  When we finally got called back the nurse (nurse Hatchett) was so rude to Charley.  She kept telling him to stop whining and use his big boy voice.  I wish I would have said something to her.  The poor kid was whiney(sp?) But A) he didn't feel good  B) he was tired.........it was already 8:30 an hour after his bedtime and C) he was probably a little scared?  Anyway the Dr. was great and agreed he should have the oral steroid and within 10 minutes we were out of there and Charley was enjoying a milkshake from McDonald's.  Oh yeah, and I might have been too.  But no out celebrating for me on St.Patrick's day.  Wah, oh well. 

Now for listening to me drone on, here are some pictures.

Charley before haircut. Isn't he cute though?

Jack and his favorite thing ABC's

So serious

No traces of my baby or toddler here.

I am so bummed that I didn't take more pictures of the St.Patrick's day parade

Waving

Another one of teen wolf (and my bad kitchen wallpaper)

Still my baby after his bath, so warm and cuddly

There is light

I have been feeling better the last few days.  I want to say thanks if anyone read this and sent some prayers my way.  I'm sure that it didn't hurt.  I think I know why I was feeling SO blue and so crabby though.  A small part of it is probably my normal winter blues/seasonal depression but I think 95% of it is Ambien.  I didn't take it for a few nights last week and while I didn't fall asleep super easily.... I woke up in a whole different kind of mood.  No tears for no reason and I didn't feel like I wanted to yell at everyone all of the time for oh I don't know... breathing.  I am glad that I think I know the reason so I can stop thinking that I should be committed somewhere but I am going to miss my Ambien.  I might still take it on the nights where I have to work the next day(because, oh my gosh I get so worked up about the idea of having to work) because I want to make sure I go to sleep at a decent time for my 5 am wake up call.  But if it is too tempting to take it on other nights I might just have to flush them.  I really do think that was the problem because ummmmmmmm it is amazing how different I felt just from not taking it 2 nights in a row.  Bummer though, I will miss you, super easy pass out kind of sleep. 

Let's see........nothing else very exciting to report here.  It is still COLD here and we still have icky snow.  I just want to see some grass and cement and oh I don't know......not have to pack boots,mittens,hat, and snowpants in Jack's backpack everyday.  Plus, I just want to open all of our windows and get some fresh air in here.  It stinks like little boys, big John and stinky dogs right now. 

Oh yeah, Charley bug got pink eye.  Poor guy woke up Saturday morning with a goopy eye and by Monday morning we were heading for the pediatrician's office.  Those little peepers were glued shut.  Now we get to put drops in 4 times a day for 7 days.  It takes 2 of us to hold that little 30 pounder down.  He is little but scrappy, Jack better watch it.

Oh yeah, and the hand thing with Jack is still a little weird but he is using his hands and not holding them out in front of him anymore.  He just can't handle if they get dirty at all but maybe that is okay.  I am going to try and not make a big deal of it and maybe it too will just pass.

 

 

Can you see the crustiness? 

You can't really see the crustiness, but can you tell his eyes are glued shut?

Showing you his band-aid

I can't get a normal smile anymore, we have officially entered the goofing off stage for every photo

'

negative energy

This is going to be a negative post so there is your warning.  I wanted to try and not write anything negative for awhile and notice how little I have been posting?  But today I feel like I need to let out some of this negative energy I have and maybe writing will be cathartic and let some of it out before it suffocates me.

I honestly don't even know what is making me so 100% negative.  I have even been trying to have some quiet time to pray or meditate some positive thoughts.  I am trying to will myself to that place.  I mean, I know that I should be happy.  If you looked at my life a few years ago where I am now would have seemed like a small miracle.  I was divorced and had another serious relationship end that I thought would be the end of me, Mackenzie and I lived in a very small one bedroom apartment and prayed that our car would start everyday.  It is surreal that I am remarried to a great guy (that I don't deserve) and we have this house and a safe car.  Oh yeah, and besides Mackenzie I now have 2 more amazing children.

I know I should just be happy but everything is just building up and tearing me down.  I worry constantly about money and paying our bills on time.  We need to take a money management class or at least I do because I just don't see how we are making enough to pay all our bills.  There always seems to be a late notice or overdue for something.  There is nothing for an emergency fund.  I am constantly worried that something is going to happen to one of my family members out of town and I will never be able to get there because of my financial situation.  My grandma just turned 93 and I can't figure out how to get to South Dakota to visit her while she is still alive.   I would love for her to see/meet my kids.  Then there is Jack............  He is doing very good in pre-k this year and we have him in some extra OT for help with his fine motor but just when I am feeling like things are going great and I can let up on the constant worrying........something new and weird will creep up.  For the last few days he is holding his hands out weird in front of him and it looks like he is trying to avoid touching anything.  And when I ask what is wrong with his hands he freaks the hell out and tells me to leave him alone.  What is that?  I don't know if I want to even know.  I am going to give it a few days and see if maybe his hands were just feeling weird because of the cold temps here and maybe his hands are dry?

Next up..........I am stressing about Mackenzie's graduation and open house.  I only have one sister and niece that live here and we don't even see each other that much at all.  Mackenzie's dad and I are divorced and I am not close with her dad's family.  Plus, within the last 2 years her dad got remarried...................to someone who was my friend for years.  She used to rub my belly when I was pregnant with Mackenzie and talk to her.  Today when I was going through pictures to find a baby photo for Mack's senior party I came across a ton of this person.  It's not like our divorce had anything to do with this person but for me it is so strange that they are married now.  I feel like that is such a crazy line that you don't cross.  It makes me wonder if they had some feelings for each other back then.  So anyway, what do I do about her open house?  My parents live in New Jersey and I don't think they will be able to come for it. One sister is having twins in July so my mom will be going there to stay for awhile.  So that sister will not be able to be here and my parents probably won't be able to come.  My other sister is in Florida and I don't think will be able to make it.  So, I don't really want to have an open house here when none of my family will be able to be here.  If I let C---- and his wife have it then I don't think I can go because I don't want to be anywhere near them and it would be so uncomfortable to be at their house.  Do I try to have it a neutral place?  If so, when?  I am so stressed about this.  My parents didn't even have one for me and I survived.  And is it worth the money and stress if no one will even be here anyway?  I know Mackenzie's friends will come through but do you do it just for the friends?  All the ones I remember going to had a lot of family.
 
I am just such a horrible/miserable person lately.  At this point I don't know if I can just say it is because of this Michigan weather.  I might have to face the reality that I need to be on some kind of anti-depressant again.  I have been fighting so hard against the idea but I am nasty to my husband and everyone.  Everything annoys me.  I know that I am probably 100 times more annoying to the people around me.  I just feel so overwhelmed right now.  And alone, even if it is kind of self-imposed...........I really don't want to feel like this or be this negative.  I wish that I just knew that someday I would get to live closer to my parents and have a better relationship with them.  I need to be close.  I am not the kind of person that can do well with this long distance stuff.  I need to know that our bill/money situation is going to get better.  That this too shall pass.  I want to know that Mackenzie is going to get a great send off after graduation and that I am not the reason for more stress in her life.  I need to know that Jack is going to be okay and that the thing with hands is just something weird this week and he isn't going to end up with some weird case of OCD and have no use of hands because he can't stand to touch anything.

If you read this..........I don't ask for this a lot but please pray for me.  That I find peace and can be a positive energy for myself and for my family. 

Jack

Jack to me:  "Mom, can you stop cleaning?  You are bugging me?" 

If this is age 5.............we are in trouble.