getting my groove

I don't love to work out and will usually find any excuse not to but I have really been stepping it up the last 2 weeks.  And today.............dare I even say...I looked forward to going to the Y.  I finally figured out that I can almost comfortably read while I am on the elliptical machine.  So now, even if there is nothing  good on tv, which lately has been the case while I am working out, now I can read!!  Woo hoo.  I don't know why this was such a break through for me today but it was and now I think I am really going to enjoy my 40 minutes of uninterrupted reading.  I haven't had that since Jack was born. :)  Oh and because the weather has been colder and my boys are going all wwf on eachother they are actually liking the playroom at the Y.  It is nice for them to have "new" toys to play with or be rough with for a little while.  Oh and I just started a book that I can't believe I haven't read yet.  No one told me how good this was.  I mean I guess I should have gathered that from all of it's time on the New York Times bestseller list and all but I guess I am a little behind.  I might be the last one to pick up this book:

I am only on page 24 and so into it already that I am really looking forward to getting back to the Y again tomorrow for some more reading oops I mean working out.   Has anyone else read this book?  Did you love it?  Does anyone else like to read while they work out? 

crabby pants

Umm Hello there.  I miss you little blog and your imaginary audience.  I just wish I had something interesting to say.  Lately not so much.  At least not happy fuzzy things and isn't that all you want are the happy, fuzzy, funny stories.

Alas, I don't have any happy, fuzzy, funny.   I have been pretty crabby.  Everything seems to be bugging me lately.  My dogs are always wrestling and fighting.  Why can't they just lay on their dog bed and chew on their own things not the kid's things. (Since writing this, I have had to take 3 of the boys toys away from Tucker.  I don't even know how he is getting them little houdini dog)

Mackenzie is a senior this year and that is kind of bumming me out............I mean, my Gosh, she is a senior people!  

John is bothering me and he is a good husband and father.  I guess I am just a mean mean mean wife.

I am having a hard time with Jack still pooping in his pull up every night.  Sometimes right after he has sat on the toilet for a half hour.  WHY?????????  Is it a power struggle.  By the way, most of the time I think he has come so far and the words autism spectrum almost never creep into my brain but when he and Charley had their well child appointments a week ago....................well, he was very different.  He knocked Dr. Howard's bag down and tried to grab her i-pad out of her hands and when she asked him a question he spoke in kookas.(what I call his made up language)I was so mad and embarrassed because I want her to know how well he is doing overall.  But she was really nice and said that it was probably the high anxiety he was feeling.  He was self-soothing with his hand in his mouth the whole time.  It is just so frustrating to have a child that you know and everyone else knows is different but you just don't have a name for it yet.  Don't know why.

Charley has been an adorable 3 year old for the most part lately.  I am really loving this 3 year old little boy. He has his moments too when he is stubborn and must do everything his way.  "I DO  I DO IT"  But he really is sweet and cuddly still.

Me, not so cute but maybe cuddly because I have only lost one lb so far since the last time I wrote about my weight.  I have been managing about 3 times to the Y a week but I have also been managing to eat as though I am on the high school boy's wrestling team.  I don't know why I am doing the self sabotage but I am.

So basically, I think I am in need of a good counselor.  Will you be my counselor blogspot?   I really hate counseling but I do feel like since I have been off the anti-depressants.............I am just not a nice person.  I really do not want to go back on them either.  The brain zaps I had from coming off of them are still too recent in my memory.  The other idea I had because I really don't believe that I am just naturally a mean crabby person is that I have been taking ambien to fall asleep pretty regularly.  Maybe that is affecting my mood somehow?  Ahhhh, but I love how easily it is to fall asleep after taking that little pretty white pill.  No racing thoughts, no worries about money, bad job, crabby self.  Just sweet  I can't posssibly keep my eyes open anymore sleep.  hmmmmmmmm

Mackenzie

               

My sweet Jack man

 

 

I don't want to sound too melancholy.  Things really are pretty good.  I am just crabbier then I should be and things are getting on my nerves more than they should.  And I am trying to address it with myself before it gets out of hand.  So I hope this doesn't sound all wah wah but I love my family and I just wish I wasn't so crabby.  Grrrrr

Jackisms

Today I was walking ahead of Jack and he said "Mom, you are missing something.........me."

sunny or cloudy

pretend that this picture is rotated to the right.

 

 

That is what it looks like outside here today.  You couldn't ask for a more beautiful sunny day for November 2nd.  Right?

picture from storm one week ago

 The second picture is how I feel on the inside today.  I just hate everything about myself today and feel like I could just sit and have a big long cry.  For some reason I can't make the tears come so I am just left with all of these emotions rolling around inside of me like those clouds in the picture.  Have you ever felt like you just wanted to be someone else?  Not necessarily a feeling of jealousy but just this huge feeling of "if I were so and so everything would be perfect, I would be happy all the time if I looked like her or if I had her house or her husband or her job".  Maybe those are things that you usually outgrow in middle school or Hell, I don't know even grade school.  I have never outgrown them.  Sometimes it is better than other times.  The first time I am really conscious of feeling that way was after my mom died when I was 9.  I don't know if I ever had those feeling before but I sure had them after that day.  Even as soon as the week she died.  My dad has a twin sister that has 3 daughters all within a years age of me and my 2 sisters.  We stayed at my aunt's house the week of my mom's funeral and I remember feeling so strongly that I just wish that I was one of my cousins.  Why couldn't I just be them and not have to be this strange motherless kid.  That was probably normal then but it has never really stopped with me.  Now I do the same things with my friends or people I don't even really know.  I am really into some of the wonderful blogs out there and I love to read them.  But after I read them I have a huge feeling of...........I don't know, I guess let's call it what it is, JEALOUSY.  I want their houses, I want their hair, I want their clothes, I want my husband to be more like theirs.  Ahhhh, I hate it.  I just want to be happy with myself and sometimes I don't know if it will ever happen.  There are the obvious changes I can make; work out, eat better, save money, find a job that makes me feel less worthless.  All good things and reasonably easy.  There is also this............

magic happy pill?

I haven't been on an anti-depressant for a couple of months now.  Should I go back or stay on this path and hope that it eventually gets better especially if I add exercise and other changes to the mix.  I am kind of going for the latter because I know how hard it is to come off of those drugs and they never seem to be this magic happy pill for me anyway.  Maybe I should try the counseling thing again.  I don't know the last one I had was kind of kooky.  If it was quiet the silence was so painfully uncomfortable I thought I was going to crawl out of my skin. 

I hope someday I look back at this post and give myself a big hug and say wow, look how far you've come and you are so worth it Nicole.  I have no idea why you didn't feel worth all the great things in the world.  ~~~~ Besides the fact that I need to feel that, my kids need me to be strong and happy and positive.  Especially Jack.  I saw him with the regular pre-k kids last Friday for his Halloween party and that kid is already going to have it harder.  The least I can do is try and let that sad little 9 year old girl that I was go and look around me and see all the blessings that I have now.