sunny or cloudy

pretend that this picture is rotated to the right.

 

 

That is what it looks like outside here today.  You couldn't ask for a more beautiful sunny day for November 2nd.  Right?

picture from storm one week ago

 The second picture is how I feel on the inside today.  I just hate everything about myself today and feel like I could just sit and have a big long cry.  For some reason I can't make the tears come so I am just left with all of these emotions rolling around inside of me like those clouds in the picture.  Have you ever felt like you just wanted to be someone else?  Not necessarily a feeling of jealousy but just this huge feeling of "if I were so and so everything would be perfect, I would be happy all the time if I looked like her or if I had her house or her husband or her job".  Maybe those are things that you usually outgrow in middle school or Hell, I don't know even grade school.  I have never outgrown them.  Sometimes it is better than other times.  The first time I am really conscious of feeling that way was after my mom died when I was 9.  I don't know if I ever had those feeling before but I sure had them after that day.  Even as soon as the week she died.  My dad has a twin sister that has 3 daughters all within a years age of me and my 2 sisters.  We stayed at my aunt's house the week of my mom's funeral and I remember feeling so strongly that I just wish that I was one of my cousins.  Why couldn't I just be them and not have to be this strange motherless kid.  That was probably normal then but it has never really stopped with me.  Now I do the same things with my friends or people I don't even really know.  I am really into some of the wonderful blogs out there and I love to read them.  But after I read them I have a huge feeling of...........I don't know, I guess let's call it what it is, JEALOUSY.  I want their houses, I want their hair, I want their clothes, I want my husband to be more like theirs.  Ahhhh, I hate it.  I just want to be happy with myself and sometimes I don't know if it will ever happen.  There are the obvious changes I can make; work out, eat better, save money, find a job that makes me feel less worthless.  All good things and reasonably easy.  There is also this............

magic happy pill?

I haven't been on an anti-depressant for a couple of months now.  Should I go back or stay on this path and hope that it eventually gets better especially if I add exercise and other changes to the mix.  I am kind of going for the latter because I know how hard it is to come off of those drugs and they never seem to be this magic happy pill for me anyway.  Maybe I should try the counseling thing again.  I don't know the last one I had was kind of kooky.  If it was quiet the silence was so painfully uncomfortable I thought I was going to crawl out of my skin. 

I hope someday I look back at this post and give myself a big hug and say wow, look how far you've come and you are so worth it Nicole.  I have no idea why you didn't feel worth all the great things in the world.  ~~~~ Besides the fact that I need to feel that, my kids need me to be strong and happy and positive.  Especially Jack.  I saw him with the regular pre-k kids last Friday for his Halloween party and that kid is already going to have it harder.  The least I can do is try and let that sad little 9 year old girl that I was go and look around me and see all the blessings that I have now.