I honestly don't even know what is making me so 100% negative. I have even been trying to have some quiet time to pray or meditate some positive thoughts. I am trying to will myself to that place. I mean, I know that I should be happy. If you looked at my life a few years ago where I am now would have seemed like a small miracle. I was divorced and had another serious relationship end that I thought would be the end of me, Mackenzie and I lived in a very small one bedroom apartment and prayed that our car would start everyday. It is surreal that I am remarried to a great guy (that I don't deserve) and we have this house and a safe car. Oh yeah, and besides Mackenzie I now have 2 more amazing children.
I know I should just be happy but everything is just building up and tearing me down. I worry constantly about money and paying our bills on time. We need to take a money management class or at least I do because I just don't see how we are making enough to pay all our bills. There always seems to be a late notice or overdue for something. There is nothing for an emergency fund. I am constantly worried that something is going to happen to one of my family members out of town and I will never be able to get there because of my financial situation. My grandma just turned 93 and I can't figure out how to get to South Dakota to visit her while she is still alive. I would love for her to see/meet my kids. Then there is Jack............ He is doing very good in pre-k this year and we have him in some extra OT for help with his fine motor but just when I am feeling like things are going great and I can let up on the constant worrying........something new and weird will creep up. For the last few days he is holding his hands out weird in front of him and it looks like he is trying to avoid touching anything. And when I ask what is wrong with his hands he freaks the hell out and tells me to leave him alone. What is that? I don't know if I want to even know. I am going to give it a few days and see if maybe his hands were just feeling weird because of the cold temps here and maybe his hands are dry?
Next up..........I am stressing about Mackenzie's graduation and open house. I only have one sister and niece that live here and we don't even see each other that much at all. Mackenzie's dad and I are divorced and I am not close with her dad's family. Plus, within the last 2 years her dad got remarried...................to someone who was my friend for years. She used to rub my belly when I was pregnant with Mackenzie and talk to her. Today when I was going through pictures to find a baby photo for Mack's senior party I came across a ton of this person. It's not like our divorce had anything to do with this person but for me it is so strange that they are married now. I feel like that is such a crazy line that you don't cross. It makes me wonder if they had some feelings for each other back then. So anyway, what do I do about her open house? My parents live in New Jersey and I don't think they will be able to come for it. One sister is having twins in July so my mom will be going there to stay for awhile. So that sister will not be able to be here and my parents probably won't be able to come. My other sister is in Florida and I don't think will be able to make it. So, I don't really want to have an open house here when none of my family will be able to be here. If I let C---- and his wife have it then I don't think I can go because I don't want to be anywhere near them and it would be so uncomfortable to be at their house. Do I try to have it a neutral place? If so, when? I am so stressed about this. My parents didn't even have one for me and I survived. And is it worth the money and stress if no one will even be here anyway? I know Mackenzie's friends will come through but do you do it just for the friends? All the ones I remember going to had a lot of family.
I am just such a horrible/miserable person lately. At this point I don't know if I can just say it is because of this Michigan weather. I might have to face the reality that I need to be on some kind of anti-depressant again. I have been fighting so hard against the idea but I am nasty to my husband and everyone. Everything annoys me. I know that I am probably 100 times more annoying to the people around me. I just feel so overwhelmed right now. And alone, even if it is kind of self-imposed...........I really don't want to feel like this or be this negative. I wish that I just knew that someday I would get to live closer to my parents and have a better relationship with them. I need to be close. I am not the kind of person that can do well with this long distance stuff. I need to know that our bill/money situation is going to get better. That this too shall pass. I want to know that Mackenzie is going to get a great send off after graduation and that I am not the reason for more stress in her life. I need to know that Jack is going to be okay and that the thing with hands is just something weird this week and he isn't going to end up with some weird case of OCD and have no use of hands because he can't stand to touch anything.
