He's here, He's here, and he's healthy

I haven't posted anything ina really long time because I was so nervous my whole pregnancy.  I was pretty irrational in fact.  I was convinced he would have horns on his head and all sorts of weird problems. The 20 week ultrasound showed that he was a healthy little boy and that everything else they saw looked great.  When I came back for my 24 week appointment they needed a few more views that they weren't able to get at the previous ultrasound,  and that was when I got hit with some worrisome news.  They had noticed that the baby had a little hydronephrosis. My doctor said that was very common and that it usually resolves itself before the baby is even born.  The other concern was that the baby had a single umbilical artery.  I can't explain it very well but if you look up SUA on the web you will find a lot of stuff.  Basically they watch you pretty closely with non stress tests and ultrasounds to see if the baby is growing well and if they are in distress at all.  My doctor also recommended that we deliver at 37 weeks because the risks for losing the baby are higher with SUA.  Because the placenta can be compromised (and his was..we found out later)  So we knew our little guy was going to be on the small side. Going on the internet and googling medical conditions is never a good idea though when you are already an overly anxious person and pregnant. SUA is linked with Down's syndrome among other things. 

I have a great OB whom I love and trust completely so when he told me not to worry and everything would be all right, I tried very hard to believe him. We had  twice weekly non stress tests starting at 31 weeks and watched him on ultrasound to monitor his growth.  And everything was going good but I was still relieved at getting him out a little early.

Tuesday July 16th was the day and there was not a lot of sleep to be had in our house the night before.  So much excitement to hold my baby, and nerves that everything would be all right, and also a little bit of morning the last minutes of my pregnancy.  Last time I will ever go into the hospital heavy with my baby and so much excitement.  The last time I will ever hear the excitement in my husband's voice when he sees our baby and tells me "he's okay honey, he really okay!" And see the look in eyes when he looks at our new tiny baby and falls in love with him.

But back to that morning... we got there right at 7 and got things started, bloodwork for me and monitoring of the baby.  Then my doctor popped in to say hello and that everything was running on time.  John got his clothes to wear for the OR room and was looking all ready.  Now it was time for me to walk my large body to the OR room.  The anesthesiologist was great and was able to get the spinal in quick and easy.  And then everything happens so fast, that was about 9am and they brought John back to where I was.  There was a little bit of a weird sensation with the pulling and pressure and I definitely felt a weird sensation when they pulled the baby out.  I heard someone call out 9:13 and then I heard the little cry that you always wait for.  They moved him to the warmer table where I got my first glimpse of him.  So beautiful and tiny and blonde.  A whole 5lbs and 4 oz of fiestiness.  After he was cleaned up and the APGARS taken he was wrapped and placed right on my chest for some skin to skin time.  Such an awesome moment to have the one little person you have waited 9 months to meet (or all your life) is there and he is gorgeous and healthy and so so alert.  There were a couple of concerns with his breathing and his blood sugars were low but our pediatrician wasn't worried and he was going to stay with me for the remainder of our stay. 

 Can you see my complete happiness of having this child in my arms??  So So much love and happiness here

Sweet little Finn Barron

 Jack and Charley meet their new brother finally.  I think they were a little nervous.

 Mackenzie and Finn  (Oldest and youngest)

 

A sweet big brother kiss, melts my heart.


I have a little bit of post-partum depression but otherwise .  everything is pretty perfect.  I still can't believe he is here.  It doesn't seem like very long ago that he was just something I wanted so much, something I prayed for every night.  Now, exactly who and what I prayed for is here.

10 more days

For 15 weeks now I have known something that should make me the happiest girl ever.  Something I have wanted for so long.  Something that my husband and I went to counseling for because we weren't on the same page.  And then he said yes and it took longer than I ever thought for it to happen.  At least a long time in my mind. 

On a Monday in November I took a pregnancy test and there was just the very faintest line.  I wasn't even late so it was just wishful thinking on my part.  I had just had a very early pregnancy loss in October so I hadn't even had a a regular period yet.  So totally wasn't expecting it and if I hadn't just had my blood drawn a couple of weeks prior to make sure I had negative hcg I wouldn't have believed it at all.  But blood work confirmed it the next day.  And then the hcg level tripled in 48 hours (Thanksgiving day :) so it all looked good.  But no one should know they are pregnant at only 3 weeks because omg, this has already been the longest pregnancy.  

I will just say that John and I had a pregnancy loss at between 18 and 19 weeks 8 years ago, right before Jack.  Even though I have gone on to have two healthy live babies afterwards, that is the pregnancy that is most in my thoughts these days.  I wish I could shake it and start think more positive thoughts but it is so hard this time.  I have two devotional books that I read from every day and I pray a lot.    really can't say why I am so worried.  Maybe because this baby was so fought for?  And I am older so I worry about if something were to happen to this one, would  I be able to get pregnant again?  Whereas before, ( I know it sounds bad)  I just had the mentality that if something happens we can just try again.  But what if John wouldn't want to try again??  Because this pregnancy started out as twins and that really freaked him out.  I found out at my 7 week ultrasound that there were 2 little heartbeats.  I had been hoping and praying to see one and when the tech was almost finished... she said "oh, I can't believe I didn't see this before.  Look at that, that is another baby!"  It was a pretty sureal moment but even in the middle of my shock I thought how in the world am I going to tell John.  It was kind of an emotional weekend but he surprised me and handled it pretty well. 

At my next appointment at about 11 weeks I had another ultrasound to check on the growth of the babies. Unfortunately, there was only one heartbeat.  I was crushed but at the same time so happy to see that one was okay and still had a strong heartbeat.  It was even wiggling on the screen as if to say I am going to be okay.  I guess vanishing twin is a very common thing.  We can find out so early that we are pregnant now and sometimes these early ultrasounds aren't a good thing.  It probably happens more often than people know.  I definitely have mixed feelings about it.  I was excited at the idea of twins.  My dad is a twin and my sister has twin girls.  My grandmother actually had 3 sets so it was kind of a neat idea to me.  On the other hand, I was extremely nervous about how we would handle it as a family when one is already going to change everything.  But of course then you feel guilty for feeling that way.  Ultimately, what I want out of this pregnancy is live, healthy baby. 

About a week or two of finding out that one twin was gone, I started having some bleeding.  Not too heavy just scary and not something I wanted to see.  So I went in and they did another ultrasound.  Everything looked good with my cervix, the placenta and the baby.  So, it could have been from the loss or just unexplained spotting.  It continued on and off for about another 10 days so my awesome Dr. would let me come in and do a fetal heart check on the doppler.  He would let me come in anytime I was nervous.  And every time he found the heartbeat quickly and easily.  At my last appointment since nothing unusual had been happening we decided to just schedule my next appointment for the 20 week ultrasound.  Which means I am going 3 1/2 weeks without the constant reasssurance that everything is ok. He told me that obviously he has an open door policy and that if I couldn't wait and got anxious to definitely call him and he would see me earlier.  I am trying really hard not to have to do that.  I want to be strong and just wait for March 15th. The hope is that I should be feeling some movement now or soon and that will help me to know that everything is okay.  I think that I have felt somethings.  I can't say definitely though if it is the baby I have felt or if was a gas bubble or something else.  I want some definite movements so that there is no doubt about it :)  This past week when I have gotten worried that this little peanut is still doing okay in there I have my secret weapon.  I rented a fetal doppler and I will put that on my belly and within a few seconds or minutes I have been able to hear my baby's beautiful heartbeat and then that gives me so peace for a while.  ( like 5 minutes)

So anyway in 10 days I finally have my big ultrasound that I have been waiting forever for.  I am so nervous for it.  Of course I want to see if we are having a boy or a girl because that part is so fun. But the scary part for me is making sure everything okay on the baby, do they have all their parts and does the heart look okay and nothing wrong with it's brain and that our little peanut doesn't have 8 arms or something.  So incredibly nervous about all of that.  So when I wake up tomorrow we will be down to 9 more days of worrying.  I just have to keep myself busy or sleep a lot :) 

So please send good thoughts and prayers my way for some peace in the next days and that this little peanut will prove to be very healthy on the screen and everything is perfect and how it should be. 

There is me at 18 weeks pregnant.  Such a big little bump already. I can't wait to see what is going on in there.  10 more days :)