On a Monday in November I took a pregnancy test and there was just the very faintest line. I wasn't even late so it was just wishful thinking on my part. I had just had a very early pregnancy loss in October so I hadn't even had a a regular period yet. So totally wasn't expecting it and if I hadn't just had my blood drawn a couple of weeks prior to make sure I had negative hcg I wouldn't have believed it at all. But blood work confirmed it the next day. And then the hcg level tripled in 48 hours (Thanksgiving day :) so it all looked good. But no one should know they are pregnant at only 3 weeks because omg, this has already been the longest pregnancy.
I will just say that John and I had a pregnancy loss at between 18 and 19 weeks 8 years ago, right before Jack. Even though I have gone on to have two healthy live babies afterwards, that is the pregnancy that is most in my thoughts these days. I wish I could shake it and start think more positive thoughts but it is so hard this time. I have two devotional books that I read from every day and I pray a lot. really can't say why I am so worried. Maybe because this baby was so fought for? And I am older so I worry about if something were to happen to this one, would I be able to get pregnant again? Whereas before, ( I know it sounds bad) I just had the mentality that if something happens we can just try again. But what if John wouldn't want to try again?? Because this pregnancy started out as twins and that really freaked him out. I found out at my 7 week ultrasound that there were 2 little heartbeats. I had been hoping and praying to see one and when the tech was almost finished... she said "oh, I can't believe I didn't see this before. Look at that, that is another baby!" It was a pretty sureal moment but even in the middle of my shock I thought how in the world am I going to tell John. It was kind of an emotional weekend but he surprised me and handled it pretty well.
At my next appointment at about 11 weeks I had another ultrasound to check on the growth of the babies. Unfortunately, there was only one heartbeat. I was crushed but at the same time so happy to see that one was okay and still had a strong heartbeat. It was even wiggling on the screen as if to say I am going to be okay. I guess vanishing twin is a very common thing. We can find out so early that we are pregnant now and sometimes these early ultrasounds aren't a good thing. It probably happens more often than people know. I definitely have mixed feelings about it. I was excited at the idea of twins. My dad is a twin and my sister has twin girls. My grandmother actually had 3 sets so it was kind of a neat idea to me. On the other hand, I was extremely nervous about how we would handle it as a family when one is already going to change everything. But of course then you feel guilty for feeling that way. Ultimately, what I want out of this pregnancy is live, healthy baby.
About a week or two of finding out that one twin was gone, I started having some bleeding. Not too heavy just scary and not something I wanted to see. So I went in and they did another ultrasound. Everything looked good with my cervix, the placenta and the baby. So, it could have been from the loss or just unexplained spotting. It continued on and off for about another 10 days so my awesome Dr. would let me come in and do a fetal heart check on the doppler. He would let me come in anytime I was nervous. And every time he found the heartbeat quickly and easily. At my last appointment since nothing unusual had been happening we decided to just schedule my next appointment for the 20 week ultrasound. Which means I am going 3 1/2 weeks without the constant reasssurance that everything is ok. He told me that obviously he has an open door policy and that if I couldn't wait and got anxious to definitely call him and he would see me earlier. I am trying really hard not to have to do that. I want to be strong and just wait for March 15th. The hope is that I should be feeling some movement now or soon and that will help me to know that everything is okay. I think that I have felt somethings. I can't say definitely though if it is the baby I have felt or if was a gas bubble or something else. I want some definite movements so that there is no doubt about it :) This past week when I have gotten worried that this little peanut is still doing okay in there I have my secret weapon. I rented a fetal doppler and I will put that on my belly and within a few seconds or minutes I have been able to hear my baby's beautiful heartbeat and then that gives me so peace for a while. ( like 5 minutes)
So anyway in 10 days I finally have my big ultrasound that I have been waiting forever for. I am so nervous for it. Of course I want to see if we are having a boy or a girl because that part is so fun. But the scary part for me is making sure everything okay on the baby, do they have all their parts and does the heart look okay and nothing wrong with it's brain and that our little peanut doesn't have 8 arms or something. So incredibly nervous about all of that. So when I wake up tomorrow we will be down to 9 more days of worrying. I just have to keep myself busy or sleep a lot :)
So please send good thoughts and prayers my way for some peace in the next days and that this little peanut will prove to be very healthy on the screen and everything is perfect and how it should be.
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